Thursday, June 14, 2012

Opinion: E3 2012

Opinion: E3 2012
The Big 3 Take the Stage
Written by Philip, the couch reporter

E3 is finally behind us and we can now shift our focus from what we hope everyone will present to what we think will actually come to life. Who won? Who lost? And who is keeping score? Lend me your eyes as I mock gaming's titans from the safety of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

Nintendo had the biggest ace up their sleeve, the next generation of consoles. So naturally they dusted off the old Gamecube playbook and copied it down word for word. I respect that Nintendo is sticking to their niche market of kids under the age of 7, dumb grandparents who will buy anything to get said 7 year olds to come visit them again, and the only slightly mentally unstable (the fully mentally unstables are completely content on hanging around Xbox Live). It's sad really, seeing Nintendo like this. It's like growing up being awesome pals with grandpa, and then when you visit home from college his mind is so lost that he keeps giving you the same silver dollar each year for your birthday. You pay attention because it would be rude to throw it back in his face and demand some inheritance money. This is what we do for Nintendo now. We sit back and let them walk around in adult diapers and drool on themselves because we were all taught like good children to respect our elders. The point I'm getting at is Nintendo is stuck, stuck a generation behind in graphics and controls because they took a long holiday this gen to wave sticks around at a fake resort. They finally intoduced a dual stick controller (introduced in 1998) and 1080p HD graphics (2004). Welcome to eight years ago Nintendo! I can't wait until you get to see the Office, the first two seasons are awesome. Spoiler: Pam dies.

The presentation went a little something like this. "Remember Halo? Well it's back! Only this time.... 4! Oh not enough? How about this? Kinect everything! Remember Kinect? Please buy one..... please oh please oh please!" Watching Microsoft now, pitching their Kinect, is kind of like watching Screech continually go after Lisa. Dude give it up already! She likes that other guy who hangs out at the Max. She'll never be into you. Nice guys always finish last, especially when they're retarded cameras that require you to have a warehouse of a living room to play "Who Can Look Like The Bigger Idiot To A Katy Perry Song... 3." I would have let Kinect off the hook this year, but then they went off and did this. Which is unforgiveable. Here's a Kinect voice command for you. "Xbox, go kill yourself."

Well even in the WNBA someone has to be declared the "winner" by the end of the post-season. This trophy would have been so much easier to hand out if they had cut out about 16 minutes of Wonderbook. But Philip the Wonderbook presentation was only 15 minutes long. Exactly. The Playstation presentation would have benefited from negative Wonderbook. What we wanted was Vita. Lots of Vita. All Vita. The truth is right now, no one cares about Vita. Sales are down (after never being up), and no games are coming out. They needed to give us a reason to buy them and they didn't really give us one. Playstation saved themselves with some great exclusives and insane perks for PS+ users. "At least they finally abandoned that Move junk," said a smiling Philip while everyone around was too nervous to inform him that he was watching a 2009 E3. "Oh look, Nintendo just discovered texting!," he continued in a proud parent kind of way.

Philip is the founder and funder of Link's A Lefty. Thanks to his generous contributions we keep this site afloat.

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